OFF: Date Movies for the Sociopath

July 6, 2008 in Darndest Things
Tags: arrival, circus, d.o.a., date, dead, during, elephant, epic, fuzzies, girl, inappropriate, interrupted, list, man, movies, off-topic, on, person, schindler, solution, warm

Prototypical date movies should inspire the warm fuzzies, whether or not you actually like the person you’re watching it with. This is all well and good, but there are those of us who’d rather avoid the second date. For that, the solution is simple: choose a movie without the warm fuzzies.

Great films work especially well — more often than not, they’re just as effective as that Date Movie/Epic Movie double feature, and not as needlessly painful. Case in point:

Schindler’s List

Pitch the movie: Liam Neeson, a German man living through World War II, overcomes overwhelming odds.

Don’t say tnat: Nazi-affiliated profiteer Liam Neeson risks everything to save more than a thousand Jews from the death camps. Includes some graphic Holocaust images.

During the movie: Suggest a drinking game. Be imaginative.

Girl, Interrupted

Pitch the movie: Winona Ryder struggles with growing up at the turn of the century. An emotional rollercoaster with a feel-good ending.

Don’t say that: After a six-month stint in a mental hospital, Winona Ryder is diagnosed with a borderline personality order. The film includes candid — and merciless — presentations of sexuality, drugs and suicide.

During the movie: Wheeze heavily, and mutter under your breath. Say you identify with Ryder’s character.

The Elephant Man

Pitch the movie: In this madcap drama, producer Mel Brooks asks questions about life and the worth of living.

Don’t say that: A former circus freak wants only lives peacefully and alone, but is caught forever in cyclic and brutal encounters with humanity.

During the movie: Cheer.

D.O.A.

Pitch the movie: In this thriller, one man tracks down a killer, with only a single tip from an anonymous source.

Don’t say that: At the beginning of this classic film noir, a man about to be married is told during a vacation to the big city that he’s been poisoned and has less than 24 hours to live. He spends the rest of the movie tracking down his killer.

During the movie: “Look on the bright side: He’s dying a single man.”

American Psycho

Pitch the movie: In a manic farce, the well-to-do Christian Bale enjoys himself by visiting a fantasy world of his own creation.

Don’t say that: In a bloody film worthy of its title, businessman Christian Bale finds himself killing again and again, more and more brutally, for absolutely no reason.

During the movie: “I know exactly how he feels.”

****

You might run into a little snag if she’s seen all of these movies. In that case, she’s a keeper.