OFF: Mass Donut Gangsta Slang

A Valentine’s Day anecdote for y’all.

I’m just a big fan of post-mass pastries, as I had been for the past four Sundays.

This particular Sunday, I had finished my crumb glaze and cup of water. A mother I barely knew came up to me.

“Joseph, right?”

That isn’t my name. It’s an honest mistake, I guess. It isn’t like she did it on purpose, or like she’s a moron or anything.

“I thought I’d remember it. My husband’s name is Joseph, and I remember saying to myself that your name was something I couldn’t forget. Oh, I remember. Your name was also in ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.’ That’s it.”

“I haven’t seen it.”

“Oh, you should. The music’s just great. It’s by Andrew Lloyd Webber.” Maybe she is a moron.

Chit-chat continued, and it isn’t worth transcribing. At least until she added a stinger.

“I’d like you to meet my daughter, Naomi. She was actually in ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.’”

“Really? The first run?”

She didn’t hear me and so she left just out of earshot, leaving me with an awkward-looking Naomi. Naomi didn’t seem to want to break the ice, so I did.

“I just came for the donuts,” I said.

“True dat,” she said.

That was the end of that. I excused myself politely with my warmest “Have a nice day” and my quickest pace out of the room.

I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice young lady, and I’ll probably see her once a week whether I’d like to or not. The context, however, was so very wrong.

Moral of the story? There are plenty of places to meet your next significant other and church is one of them, provided you’d like an Andrew-Lloyd-Webber-loving amateur actress with a penchant for gangsta slang.

For the record, of that I only mind the Andrew Lloyd Webber bit.

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