Thanks to the futzing of a roommate, I don’t have Internet, and I probably won’t until after Thursday. I’ll still keep up with daily posts, in part because of a national chain that tries way too hard to be trendy. In short: Thank you, Starbucks.

Even though your employees know absolutely nothing helpful about troubleshooting your free Internet, and even though “free” means “buy a $5 gift card and register it online to obtain Internet access,” it’s the thought that counts.

I don’t mind the gift card requirement — I knew you had the best intentions. As such, I went out of the way to make sure you didn’t end up a liar. I had my roommate buy a $5 gift card, using only negligible coercion of my own. As it turned out, she immediately used the card to purchase herself one of your many fatty, sugary, overcaffinated drinks, and she gave me the rest of the gift card.

Sure, there’s only 70 cents left. That’s still enough to register the card online to get my despite-your-best-efforts-still-free Internet.

I don’t even mind the two-hour limit on Internet use. I figure that this is for my own good. Without an artificial, largely arbitrary restriction, I’d stay on all day, and that would sorely diminish the chances I’d ever finish The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.

Thank you, soulless, corporation of gargantuan proportions in every concievable sense. I will be a happy patron of your comfortable chairs and free Internet, and I’ll show it. Until your Internet policies inevitably change, Starbucks will be my exclusive source of iceless water in a pretentiously named large cup.

Please don’t take any of this personally. It’s just that if I at all behaved differently, my Internet wouldn’t be free.

  1. Katy

    While this is an amusing screed, did you consider trying your local library? Or check for your area for alternatives.

  2. samjshah

    Mwa haha… “venti” “straight up” “ice” and “iceless” tags. I’m amused.

  3. dkzody

    I know it’s a bit of a trip, to the “wrong” side of town, but JavaWava has free internet. And if you’re there tomorrow morning, I might wave at you as I head to school to work on yearbook computers.

  4. Ms. Mulvey: Local libraries don’t have it, but I’ll check out that very helpful sounding Web site.

    Ms. Shah: Whenever I ask for a venti water, straight up, baristas usually get confused or think I’m joking. No, I’m not. I really want no ice.

    Ms. Zody: I’ll look it up, and if I’m ever in the area of JavaWava, I’ll drop by.

  5. Welcome to my (thankfully past!) world.
    everydayjae: the sea faring coffee slut
    Are you really taking on “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich?” I read that in HS. I liked it, and keep thinking I should read it again.

  6. Well, I’m trying to read it. I’m in the middle of the takeover of Czechoslovakia, well past the really interesting stuff about Hitler’s youth. At this point, the book is getting really, really repetitive.

    Hitler, with every intention of invading Country X, deceives foreign ministers Britain and France, earning accolades from The Times of London. Then, he invades Country X and nobody bats an eye.

    I keep telling myself that it’ll get more interesting once Hitler moves toward Poland, but I can’t bear to skip ahead. I might miss out on something I didn’t expect.

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